Not Another Cynical Fairy Tale Satire!
by Backroads
Summary: Just a few fractured fairy tales full of modernday cynicism and despondancy.
1. Cinderella

_Disclaimer: I don't own Clinique. I just like the make-up._

* * *

Once upon a time there was a girl named Cinderella. No, it wasn't a cruel nickname thrown upon her by her wicked stepsisters mocking a life of servitude; her parents were just very eccentric and her blended family was actually very nice but Cinderella hadn't yet managed to bond with them. As for the life of servitude... she was just trying to work her way through college.

One day, some snot-nosed spoiled rich kid threw a huge ball to raise money for some vague cause (the guy just wanted girls to think he was nice and charitable). Cinderella was technically invited, but as the invitation was a singular summon pertaining to every single woman in the family, Cinderella felt slighted that she wasn't given full attention and put up the dramatics that she wasn't invited. So on the night of the ball, while Cinderella's sisters went, she sat around crying about how messed up her life was.

"Even though I live in an affluent nation where the standard of poverty is higher than what many citizens of third world countries enjoy and I have my health and a roof over my head, my life is horrible!" she moaned. "I wish my fairy godmother would appear so I don't have to be held responsible for any consequences I may have brought upon myself."

No sooner had she made this wish than the air shimmered before her and a middle-aged woman in a white lab coat and pink stilleto heels appeared.

Cinderella frowned. "You're not my fairy godmother; you look like one of the Clinique sales ladies!"

"Yeah, well, that's because I'm your fairy Clinique lady," Yvonne said (that's what her name tag read).

"But I wanted a fairy godmother to make me beautiful with a pretty dress!"

"That's what I'm here for!" Yvonne replied. "You've seen all the movies: all the ugly girl needs to be pretty is a professional make-over. So we let the fairy godmothers go work in women's crisis centers and homeless shelters where they're actually needed and let make-up ladies take over this business."

"Oh." Cinderella was still disappointed.

"Now," said Yvonne, pulling out a bag of samples. "Do you want the "natural look" and give into one of society's slyer tactics of making you fit to a particular image of beauty by making you feel bad for not fitting to the definition of natural beauty, or do you want to go with something fun and dramatic?"

Cinderella figured she might as well go all out.

"Good choice." And Yvonne really went all out. Cinderella looked like she just stepped off a street corner.

"Now for the dress." Yvonne pulled out a sales rack of marked-down dressed. "You really don't need an original. Take your pick. I recommend something that will accent your curves and actually make you look good instead of trying to pretend you are size 0."

Not to make fun of her body type, but Cinderella was not a size 0. Which is not a bad thing, because, hey, who is? But she really did not need to try and stuff herself into something slinky.

Yvonne sighed. "There really should be a weight limit on some of these styles."

But it was Cinderella's choice. So they hopped in Yvonne's Chevy and took off for the ball.

Cinderella looked so bad no one gave her a second glance. So she threw a fit in an embarrassing public display and badmouthed the host to his face. Needless to say, she was kicked out.

Cinderella went on to remain incapable of a relationship because she had such a rotten personality.

The spoiled rich kid married some nice spoiled rich girl who also liked to look impressive by donating money to vague causes and they both lived happily ever after until they got a divorce three years later.

_**The End!**_


	2. Snow White

Once upon a time there was a king and queen that ruled over a great and vast kingdom. Actually, it wasn't that big; just some tiny independent state of monarchy the size of the average small town that led to the mockery of any high school students that decided to represent such country in a Model United Nations country. In fact, this country wasn't even part of the U.N., being it pointless to do so on account the place was so small, but that's besides the point. Suffice it to say that despite it's glorious and long history and strong sense of both traditional ethnic culture and awareness of the modern world, the place was small and you'll be dead lucky to find a map that bothers to show the place.

Anyway, as it so happens, the king and queen gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, which really isn't saying much as all babies are cute. Then, because the queen did not eat a balanced diet but rigorously followed low-carb plans and never exercised, she passed away not long after the baby's death. She only had time to do one thing: name the baby. The name she chose was Snow White, thus guarenteeing that the poor kid would be beat up regularly from kindergarten to fifth grade.

After a healthy time of grieving, the king became concerened about the statistics that tend to accompany single parent familes and remarried. This next wife was not a beautiful-yet-evil queen. The king had been drunk at the time, and it wasn't until waking up in a Vegas hotel that he realized the chick was a complete dog. She didn't even have a great personality. Rather, a lifetime of low self-concept brought on by physical appearance and the torments of others had given her the most bitter of dispositions.

And Snow White didn't make it any easier. After surviving a few years of torment about her name, the boys had stopped on account of her good looks. So Snow White became vain, spoiled, and prone to shop J. Crew catalogs.

The evil queen, who unfortunately was named Ethel June and had also been beaten up during school, was not pleased by Snow White flouncing around bragging about how pretty she was. Ethel June finally became so fed-up that she ordered her huntsman to drag the girl out into the nearby forest (the only stretch of land the kingdom owned) and kill her. Yes, she was that annoyed.

Unfortunately, Snow White was quite the flirt and the huntsman was only human and male besides. He let her go, and soon Snow White found her way to a cottage owned by seven dwarves. They also were only human and male besides, so they invited Snow White to move in with them and mooch off everything--basically sit around the house all day, watching soaps and eating bon-bons.

Fortunately, the evil queen had cameras all over the forest, and a mirror-shaped monitor. She soon learned that Snow White was alive, and was more than a little ticked off. So she made a few poisoned apples and headed off for the Dwarves cottage--she knew better than to insult Snow White with a corset, and the girl had more than enough combs.

Snow White immediately recognized her stepmother, but apparently had not learned from the whole huntsman incident. After all, why would anyone want to harm pretty little old her? So she ate a poisoned apple and subsequently died.

The dwarves by that time had gotten over Snow White's good looks and feminine wiles and so were fairly grateful to the queen. They dumped Snow White's body in the swamp and hooked the queen up with some respected and talented plastic surgeons and cosmetologists. She also found a good therapist who managed to improve her self-concept. The queen came out of the situation a beautiful and self-appreciating woman who divorced her husband and married a prince fifteen years her junior. And they lived happily ever after.

**The End!**


	3. Shoes

_Yes, I'm doing another Cinderella one. I promise I will get some different fairy tales someday!_

* * *

Once upon a time there was a beautiful young girl called Cinderella. Yes, it was a fanciful name, but it described her job of slaving each and every day, all day long, for her wicked stepmother and step-sisters.

Fortunately, our girl was a practical girl and was able to look the world square in the eye. Yes, she cooked and cleaned and did every other chore forced upon her, but she still knew how to take time for the simple things in life.

Was this shallow of her? Some may say so.

But every true woman knows what's really important: chocolate, a day at the mall, and most of all, shoes.

So when her fairy godmother came on the night of the prince's ball and gave her a pair of totally cute glass slippers, Cinderella was smart enough to be stoked.

So she went to the ball, in gorgeous gown and high-priced tiara. And she flirted and danced with the prince. Like any true woman would.

And then the clock struck midnight, and Cinderella knew that those chick flicks she had rented were due back at the video store. She hauled out of that palace like there was no tomorrow... and lost a glass slipper.

The prince called after her, but she was much too fast. He sent his security after her, but she was much too fast for them as well.

Then he realized the only clue he had to this mystery gorgeous gal.

A single shoe.

Oh, yes. He smiled to himself. He knew true women. She'd return for her shoe.

Which she did. She waltzed back into the ballroom, a bit flustered and embarrassed over her losing-the-shoe incident, but still drop-dead beautiful just the same.

She strolled toward the prince, radiant and gleaming. He looked into her eyes.

"Thanks for finding my slipper!" she said, grabbing it out of his hands. "You are such a sweetie!"

She put it back on, and left once more, without giving the prince even a number.

For she was a real woman. And real women know that only shoes matter.


	4. The White Cat

Once upon a time there was a king of a powerful kingdom. Though he had served and guided his people wisely for many years, the truth of the matter that he was so sick of all the twists and hypocrisy of politics that he could scream and would much rather retire and spend all day playing golf and watching the game. Unfortunately, as kings do not have specific terms of temporary lengths but rather irritating prince sons clambering for the throne, he had a problem.

So he came to a decision regarding his three sons. He would take the parenting route suggesting that all life lessons can be learned via the School of Hard Knocks, aka life. He would send his sons out on various and meaningless quests that had absolutely nothing to do with running a kingdom in hopes that during the meaningless quests they might inadvertently learn something worthwhile.

The first quest was to find a dog. You see, the king figure that when one is retired there is no better companion than a faithful dog.

So off the three princes went in search of a dog, somehow having the impression that they needed to find a pretty, tiny dog rather than a proper-sized beast that all real men want.

The youngest son was having a heck of a time when one rainy night he stumbled into an enchanted castle. Of course, he was a man and didn't have the wits about him to realize the castle was enchanted, even as invisible servants took his coat and led him to a table covered in delicious, nutritious, and obviously enchanted food. The mistress of the castle came to see who was bothering her this time of night, praying it wasn't another insurance salesman.

Now this mistress was also obviously enchanted, being that she was a lovely white cat that could talk. Even though the prince was oblivious to magic, she took a liking to him after he spilled four differing articles of food and decided to let him hang around as free entertainment. He amused her for about a year before he realized that he was supposed to get his dad a dog. So she supplied him with a rottweiler and sent him on his way.

So the three princes met back in their father's kingdom (the elder two had brought a Chihuahua and a toy poodle). Though the King was impressed with the rottweiler, politics were on the upside, so he sent his sons back out, this time to find, for some reason, a piece of cloth so fine it could go through the eye of a needle. (It was the only thing he could think of spur-of-the-moment.)

So the youngest prince returned to the obviously enchanted castle with the obviously enchanted talking cat. He was her court jester for another year before remembering about the cloth. Even though the cat could not understand the point of a piece of cloth that would go through a needle, she used the obvious magic of the castle to make it.

Well, even though the youngest son had managed to impress the king twice, his wife, the Queen, realized the sons were idiots. So she came up with a task: they had to find a wife suitable to be queen after the King was through.

So the youngest prince returned to the obviously enchanted castle once more. After another year, he got around to telling the white cat of the quest. She was pretty mad that he always waited forever to tell her these things, but what could she do? So she gave him the instructions to break her spell. It was fairly complex and vile, or else she would have done it herself if the magic would have allowed it.

She ordered the prince to chop off her head.

The prince, being a guy and into that sort of morbid thing, did so, and instantly the white cat changed into a young woman who was beautiful, intelligent, and confident.

So they returned to the king. Unfortunately, the elder sons had also brought women who were beautiful, intelligent, and confident. So, after a triple wedding, the women killed their husbands, which impressed the King (and most definitely the Queen) so much that he allowed them to take over the kingdom and rule forever more.

And they all lived happily ever after.


	5. The Little Mermaid

Once upon a time there was a handsome, charming, athletic, and reasonably intelligent prince named David. Now, of course, when I say reasonably intelligent, this is judged by the standard given to the male gender. He was not quite so stupid as to play with a chain saw unprotected or drive a golf cart through a field of land mines (though he did mind such ideas rather spiffing). But he was not smart enough to not do stupid things on a boat.

One day, David was on his special royal ship. While other ships did useful things, such as transport cargo, passengers, and fight pirates, this ship was a party ship for David's own pleasure. He and his buddies abstained from alcohol and drugs, but by the simple fact that David was a man, he decided it would be quite the riot to see how close he could come to touching the water. This, of course, wound up with David struggling for his life in shark-infested waters. Naturally, all of David's friends thought this was downright hilarious.

Just as David was about to be eaten by a particularly nasty shark, a little mermaid named Melinda popped out of the water. Now, Melinda didn't like being called little. She was a grown seawoman, and she was quite proud of the fact that she was not named something pathetically nautical and cheesy, like Pearl or Seastar or Ariel (which originated as a boy's name). Melinda saw David and Shark struggling with each other, and she immediately lost her heart–to Shark. He was one very handsome shark, and he also was quite compatible for her, being that they both lived in the sea. But as Melinda was a trained lifeguard, she couldn't very well let David die, either. So she flirted with Shark and was able to distract him away from eating disgusting human flesh.

All of David's friends thought that David should run off with Melinda, but both Melinda and David thought that would be disgusting as they were completely different species; at least, Melinda considered herself a fish and was attracted to other fish, ending the debate over whether mermaids are mammals or not.

Besides, David was engaged to a beautiful and intelligent princess.

So Melinda married Shark, and David married the beautiful and intelligent princess, and they all lived happily ever after.


	6. The Bear

Once upon a time there was a beautiful farm girl named Eleanor whom everyone loved. She had two sisters who were also beautiful and loved, but Eleanor just happened to be the 'nice' one of whom everyone took advantage.

So you really can't blame her family for doing what they did the day a bear arrived at their house.

He banged his head against their door, practically summoning for himself a concussion, and when Eleanor's irritated father finally answered, said, very dizzily "I have come for your daughter."

Now this father was a good father who wanted the best for his girls, but he was also human and therefore afraid of giant talking bears, as most people with common sense would be. So he just frowned. "Did you escape from the secret genetics lab on that island on _Lost_?"

The bear wasn't amused. "No. I just want one of your girls, and if you don't give me one, I shall set your entire house and village on fire."

Since this bear could already talk, the father was ready to believe the creature was also skilled in pyrotechnics.

Eleanor, desperate to once again be the nice sister and save her family and village, ran to the door. "I will go with you, Talking Bear!" she said. "Just save my family!"

The father and the sisters just rolled their eyes, but when Eleanor was in one of her dramatic moods, there was nothing they could do.

So Eleanor and the bear went off together. He made her see lots and lots of scary, evil things. But then he arrived at a beautiful palace, apparently under the assumption that she was shallow.

Even though Eleanor had nice things, she was never satisfied. The bear was never around during the day, so they couldn't establish a real relationship. He came to her as a man, invisible, during the night, but apparently all he wanted was her body.

One day, while she was talking to her mom on the phone, she spoke of her unhappiness.

"Well," said her mom. "When he falls asleep, run off."

That sounded like a great idea, so the next night, after the bear had fallen asleep, she grabbed a flashlight and packed her things. But she accidentally knocked over a pumpkin-spice scented candle and woke up her husband.

"Wretched girl!" he screamed. "What have you done? I didn't have much longer of this spell, and now I must return to my step-mother's to marry an ugly troll!" Then he turned into a raven and flew off.

Eleanor was sure that the talking bear/prince really wanted her to come after him and free him from the spell, but she had gotten over her doormat nature. Really, she could care less.

So she went home, developed a friendship based on friendship, respect, and love with a nice village boy named Eduardo, and married him instead.

_The End._


End file.
